For years I have been writing for myself. I had always dreamed of having a blog but struggled to find my voice and found it difficult to narrow the focus of my content. Every time I sat down to decide what overarching thing I wanted to talk about I got overwhelmed.
In the last two years, I've learned some profound truths. I learned the depth of strength that I have as a woman. I learned that no matter what I am facing or how easy it would be to throw in the towel, I can keep moving. I have also learned the power of sharing my story and finding common ground with other women who have survived similarly in life. Women who, in every sense of the word, have excelled in resilience.
I have had baby fever in varying degrees of severity since I was in my early 20's. Being a mom was just about the only job I knew that I wanted with absolute certainty. It took me a while to find the right daddy, but my time had finally come. After years of stealing precious moments with the children of the people I love, I was ready to make one of my own.
It seemed like the moment we decided to start trying the result was instantaneous. There it was, that little plus sign. But just as quickly as this news came, it went. In June of 2018, my fiancé and I experienced a miscarriage. We would find ourselves with child again a mere 4 months later. But on March 23rd, 2019 (less than 4 months after losing my father) I went into pre-term labour at more than 5 months pregnant due to what is medically referred to as an incompetent cervix. That day, we lost our baby girl, Liliana Evangeline Grace Nicholson. Her story is a big part of my own, and one that I will share with you in time.
When we shared our news on social media, my inbox was flooded with direct messages of support and similar stories from women I knew well, used to know well and strangers alike. Something happened when I had those conversations. A profound bond was made and honestly, it helped. It was then that I decided to sit down and turn my inner monologue to a shared dialogue.
When we discovered my short cervix and I was struggling with the fear of losing my daughter, I was desperate to find someone with a story like mine. I wanted to hear that someone suffered on their road like me but that their story had a happy ending, which would mean that maybe mine could too. I found so much comfort in the stories and support that I received from fellow resilient mommies in the wake of my body failing me yet again. I found solace in knowing that I wasn’t alone. I just wish I could have found that support earlier; and that is how The Resilient Mommy was born. This is an honest account of my story and a safe place for women to support one another in what mommies of yesterday lived through alone and in silence.
It doesn’t matter to me how you struggle on your journey. You do not have to struggle in exactly the way I have to find comfort here. This is a place for me to document my practice of resiliency and determination on the road to becoming a mom again in the hopes that it will inspire you to do the same. A place for me to honour our daughter's brief life on earth and hopefully (in time) a story of how Josh and I bring our second child into the world and I struggle through the joys of sleepless nights and bloody nipples. You can call me on my desire for these things when I get there — I will and so will you.